So you might get shipped off to Afganistan?!

You're kidding me right?

If you get killed this is just going to be so fucking awesome. Well, whatever, I guess life keeps throwing boulders at me. I really wish I had a terminal illness. It's fucked up but I actually pray to die at night. Still hasn't come true...

It's been 233 days since you walked into my life

AND I'M STILL NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING OVER YOU

So I figured out that my feelings for you are a day by day process. I can not care for months but the second you text me I feel so alive and like I could conquer anything before me. My parents can tell me something but when YOU say it I take it to heart and work towards that goal. I know nothing could EVER happen between us but I need to hold on to that dream. You may not talk to me all the time but when you do you show that you care about me and tell me I'm worth so much.

And Joe...where do I begin. You filled the hole in my heart, when you said you loved me I felt like maybe someone wanted me...and that was my world. But how you broke up with me? That destroyed me, I was about to just get out of the car and trick Darlene, Courtny, and my Mom with a big fake smile, say I'm doing fine, and then end everything. And we started talking again and it made me so happy. I still want to talk to you but I don't want to get you in trouble. So I control myself from calling you, anything to hear your voice. I still have those songs you sung to me, I cry every time I listen to them. You were the first person to make me feel like that. Ha, I'm such a loser, I'm crying so hard right now. And I'm alone because of how stupid I can be. I just want to talk to you, see you again. I was so scared of being caught. But on our date I could care less. I just wanted to be with you. I still do, even if it's for a few seconds as you walk by. That would make me feel complete. I want to be with you. But thats never going to happen either. Maybe I'm broken? Useless? Shattered? I must be meant to be alone. Whatever it is, I feel this crushing weight all the time.

You know what I just realised?
I do love you
And I would give ABSOULUTELY ANYTHING to be with you
well...not anything
but I would give you everything
my life
my heart
me

So I kinda hope only a few people see this. Woo my first blog. So I feel kinda shitty recently. Like I started to like Joe a lot, but then things change, then Santos had to get back into my life. I wish I would've never met him. But then again I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't. But do I really like who I am? It's just all too confusing to me.

Why the fuck doesn't he realize how much I like him...maybe even love him...these feelings are always there. I only did anything with him once, even though he used to always ask for more(which made me like him even more) I guess it's like my friend said, I'm more emotional and attatch to people really easily. But why him? Why someone who will NEVER love me back...ever..?

But I just have to push through this...
I just hope I can